One-Shot: The Talk, Luke Danes-Style
by WizMonCruWil
Summary: Extended version of when Luke catches Rory and Jess in the loft. Enjoy!


**One-Shot: The Talk, Luke Danes-Style**

Luke Danes slipped onto the staircase leading up to his loft above the Diner. He had been working non-stop all morning, and took the chance for a lunch break the first chance Caesar gave him one.

When Luke opened the door, he jumped about a foot in the air. Just as Rory Gilmore and his nephew, Jess Mariano, jumped apart from where they had been making out on the couch. Rory's shirt was pushed halfway up her chest.

"Oh my God! Uncle Luke, close the damn door!" Jess yelped. Rory looked scandalized. Luke ducked just into the hallway, but left the door open.

"Rory," Luke called. "Your mother's waiting downstairs."

Luke watched as Rory ran from the room, her eyes meeting his briefly. She looked mortified, horrified even, the way a daughter might look after displeasing her father. As soon as she was down the stairs and out of sight, Luke re-entered the loft, keeping his eyes on the base of the staircase where Rory had just disappeared. Behind him, he could sense Jess shuffling.

"Uncle Luke..."

"DO. NOT. SPEAK!" Luke bellowed, waving his finger back in Jess's general direction, refusing to look at him. The diner owner turned to face his nephew at last. "Have you been using protection?"

Jess's mouth fell open. "Luke... we haven't..."

"Let me rephrase that: do you _intend_ to use protection? Because if you don't and you get that girl pregnant, you will take it like a man and you will marry her."

Jess let out an awkward laugh. But Luke was not smiling. "You can't be serious."

"I'm _dead_ serious. You get pregnant, you get married. That's the rule; that's how I was raised."

"I'm 17 years old!" Jess gawked.

"And Rory's father wasn't much younger than you, when he asked Lorelai to marry him!" Luke shot back. "She said no. Rory might give a different answer in that situation."

Both uncle and nephew quickly tried to banish the image of Rory in a wedding dress from their minds. Luke distracted himself by fishing into his pocket and pulling out a few bills. He held them out to Jess.

"Cool! Free cash!" But when Jess reached for them, Luke held them back.

"Yes. And let me tell you what you are going to do with it: you are to go down to Doose's Market and ask Taylor for condoms. I will go with you to make sure you do."

Jess rolled his eyes. "No need, _Dad_."

"Actually, there is a need!" Luke barked. "You still don't get it, do you? That little girl is seen as a princess in this town! Which means this whole place is watching you like a hawk. You don't believe me? Ask Dean Forrester - whom I beat up after he broke up with Rory the first time, in case you forgot! And you haven't exactly given anybody here a reason to trust you, so they sure as hell won't trust you with their pride and joy's heart!"

Jess scoffed. "Don't you mean _your_ pride and joy?"

"Her dad isn't around, so it's my job to protect her! I'm best friends with her mom!"

"Even though you wanna be so much more..." Jess muttered.

Luke blinked before putting back on his stern mask. "You don't know what you're talking about! Now, come on, let's go!" And he frogmarched Jess down the stairs and out of the diner.

* * *

Jess and Luke entered Doose's Market and headed up to the front counter. Taylor was supervising the check-out lines.

"Um... Taylor?" Jess murmured.

"Ah, Jess! What brings you here?" Taylor asked prissily.

"I need a box of condoms," Jess whispered.

"Eh? What's that?"

"I need a box of condoms," Jess growled through gritted teeth.

"Speak up, boy!"

"I NEED A BOX OF CONDOMS!" Jess said far too loudly, forgetting himself in his frustration. The entire market fell silent and stared at him; a few neighbors well versed on the situation sent glares the Mariano boy's way. Luke stifled a smile from behind his hands.

"Lorelai would have loved to have seen this..." he chortled, regretting that neither of the Gilmore girls were in the store. While Luke waited and kept an ever-watchful eye, Jess headed down the toiletries aisle and retrieved the box of condoms, slapping it down in front of none other than Dean Forrester. Were the ex-boyfriend of Rory Gilmore not obligated to ring up the order, he probably would have killed Jess. And still looked like he wanted to.

"Thanks, Taylor. Bye!" And Luke dragged his nephew out of the market before Dean could jump him. As they headed back to the loft, Luke kept up his ultimatums:

"And that's not all: if you get that little girl pregnant, I will make sure you are physically incapable of having sex ever again!" By now, they had returned to the loft. Luke kept at the ground rules. "First off, when she is up here, that door stays open. You are not allowed on either end of this apartment. You are, instead, to remain here in the middle portion of the room. You may sit on the couch or on the chair, as long as you two are sitting on separate seats, i.e. when you're on the couch, then she's on the chair. When she's on the couch, then you're on the chair. On weekdays, you will have her home by nine. On weekends, you will have her home by eleven. Any evidence of alcohol, cigarette smoke, or anything else that Nancy Reagan would find unacceptable and you will not be allowed near her without an adult present. Are these rules clear?"

Jess smirked. "You know, you're my guardian and not hers, right?"

"Shut it," Luke snapped. "Start learning how those condoms work!"

* * *

That night, Jess had a horrible nightmare about Rory being guided down the aisle in a wedding dress... by Luke. Complete with electric guitars blaring, 'Here Comes the Bride.' Jess woke up screaming, but only got a roar of laughter from Luke when he told his uncle about the dream.


End file.
